A diary for me

I started this blog to hold myself accountable, I feel if I share my story and my ups and downs along the way , I might be more likely to stick to it , I have never been very good at sticking at things .

I have tired countless hobbies over the years but never stuck at them .

I tend to just drift from one thing to another but I do love to read , I have read a lot of books about people giving up alcohol . They all paint this picture of being sober as such an amazing moment in their lives . But I am yet to see how this is so amazing . All I feel is lost in the unknown and it’s scary .

I know how it feels to drink but not drinking feels so new. It feels like I am going into the unknown.

Last night was hard , I was at work then at home time it took a lot of strength not to go to the shop on the way home . But I ignored the voices in my head , that was saying a bottle of wine won’t hurt , you deserve it , it’s been a long day why not .

When I got home i felt pleased with myself that i had not given in to temptation. I will take that as a win !

Still of course feel very unsure how to spend my time . I don’t have many hobbies or interest other than the love of reading but at the moment even that’s not holding my attention without a glass of wine in the hand .

I cant even seem to sit and watch a movie without feeling uncomfortable . so most of the time I clean or potter around the house trying to waste time until it’s late enough to go to bed , if I am not working .

even once i am in bed it takes me a long time to fall asleep without the wine in my system . That’s one thing i have never been very good at falling asleep without alcohol . even when i am really tired i find it very hard to drift off to sleep .

Having said that even after just a few nights without the wine i am waking up feeling a lot better in the mornings which is amazing not to wake up with a headache or feeling like i could sleep for another full night .

I am ending this post more up beat than the last.

I got though day 5 , I felt like I could scream into a pillow . I felt so restless and overwhelmed last night with having time on my hands that I didn’t no what to do with. It make me feel crazy , I need to keep busy but I am unsure how because everything I normally do just makes me think about drinking . I just spent a lot of the evening pacing and pottering around the house , not really what I had in mind for a night off work , but I have to keep going so I opted for some cleaning . Which did actually help me a lot .

But I got through the evening feeling uncomfortable, unsure what to do with myself . Unable to sit still and just relax . Apart of me wonders how long it will last . Will I soon start to be able to relax on an evening and not feel so restless, or will I always feel like this.

I have spent many years since I was young drinking, whether it be drinking out with friends at the pub or drinking on nights out or at home , I am unsure what I do without it . I am glad I am going on this journey it’s definitely needed but I feel lost without the glass of wine in my hand .

I feel silly even saying that out load. The truth is, I don’t know what I do without it .

Four days ago I decided once again to try and make changes to my life , I have tired over and over again to change but I always just fall back into old habits . So today is day four of not drinking . I don’t know how I got into this habit of most nights picking up a bottle of wine . I really couldn’t tell you an event that happened or something that changed to make me want it every night , it just sort of became routine. It just became normal for me to sit in the sofa alone at night with a bottle of wine and something on the tv , it sounds lonely but for me it wasn’t .

But when do you draw the line . When you see your self looking forward to those moments of being alone or when you find yourself no longer satisfied with just one bottle , or when you wake up the next morning just with massive regret .

I am writing this blog to hold myself accountable and in doing this I hope that it’s the start of the end of my drinking !

A new start , a new me !